My latest release is a steamy story about a girl who gets roped into attending a wedding with her landlord, a guy she slept with once. This is not exactly her idea of an ideal setting for their first real date but she’s clever enough to ensure that she and her date has a good time.
I, myself, have attended about three billion weddings in my lifetime, give or take a few zeros, and I’ve learned that weddings are only about as fun as my attitude. Sure, there are a few that couldn’t be saved if I brought my own live band and mini-bar but, for the most part, I try to make my own fun. I do this by following a set of rules that I’ve carefully crafted over the years, and by carrying a trusty wedding first aid kit to get me through those survival mode situations.
Wedding Attendance Rules:
Leave the ego at home. If the bride and groom want you to do the chicken dance, the conga, the electric slide or *shudder* sing a love song to get them to kiss (why I want to see them kiss is beyond me), these activities are a hell of a lot more fun when you don’t care that you look like a fucking idiot.
Don’t spend all of your time with just one close knit group of people. Mingle and get other guests mingling. A wedding is way more fun when people are interacting with each other.
Pretend you love everyone. Even that bitch at table twelve who ditched you on a girl’s night out three years ago just because she met a Jim Morrison look-a-like.
Don’t attempt to drink your weight in alcohol at the open bar.
Wedding Attendance Survival Kit:
Safety pins are a must for those little mishaps, like a dress or bra strap ripping while you’re doing the electric slide or funky chicken.
Travel sized hair spray
Dual use, folks! Not only will it help you cement that up do, it fights static cling. Simply apply as you would with anti-static spray.
Clear nail polish
Stops nylons from running. Simply apply the moment you notice a snag.
You will need these if you don’t catch that snag until it’s running up your leg.
Mine come folded into a handy, sparkly little zippered pouch. If you simply cannot stand another moment in those stilettos, or a heel or strap snaps, these are the perfect replacement.
Pashmina, scarf or pretty shawl
This will alter the look of your outfit if you’re caught in the same dress as another attendee. Also, when drunk uncle Herman spills his scotch on your dress, you’ll be glad you have something to cover it up. I once had to wrap one around my waist like a belt so it would cover a huge red wine stain on my thigh. To my surprise, everyone complimented my ensemble.
These are the basic behavioural guidelines and first aid items that I would suggest women bring to a wedding or any high-end function. Of course, if none of this works, and you still find yourself having a disastrous time, you can always do what my mother and I do in case of emergency; we share a joint. It’s more or less legal in Canada and it doesn’t take much to get us feeling a little silly because we are drug-free the rest of the year. Well, except when we visit my great aunt Shirley but trust me, that situation requires some mind-altering assistance. Even my grandmother pops a couple Valium in preparation for that visit.
And now it’s your turn! What do you pack in your wedding survival kit? What is on your list of wedding attendance rules? But before you answer, why don’t I share a little bit about my latest release?
Karen is not the type to attend a wedding with a guy she’s only slept with once but, in a rare display of empathy, she agrees to accompany her new landlord Allen to this sure-to-be-boring function. Fortunately, Karen knows how to have a good time, and she’s pretty sure she and Allen can make their own fun…even if they have to do it in the outdoors just steps away from a couple hundred stuffy wedding guests.
The Wedding, mini-excerpt:
The car rumbled to life and he pulled from the roundabout into traffic. He seemed at ease, his hand alternately resting on my thigh and the shifter. As we neared our destination, however, his comfort steadily dissipated. His fingers tapped against the wheel and he smoothed his other hand along the thigh of his dress pants. Jesus, I hope he’s not going to act like this all night. There better be an open bar.
“So, uh, like I said,” he said finally. “My ex-best friend and his wife won’t be there.”
“Uh huh,” I said, distracted. Who doesn’t have an open bar at a wedding these days? No one, that’s who. God, I hope the champagne is good. I need an overflowing glass of expensive champagne, like, ten minutes ago. Since when does Karen Valentine go to weddings as someone’s date?
D.C. McMillen enjoys writing about dirty sex in questionable places but has been known to write about other subjects, on special occasions. She is featured in MuseItHot’s Short & Spicy line up with The Rental, The Wedding and A Decent December. D.C.’s short stories and flash fiction can be found in several anthologies and other print and online publications. She is obsessed with Twitter and invites you to look her up at @mcmillendc, on her blog, or Facebook.